Turning the Page

Ok, I’m not even going to pretend I know the last time I did any writing. All I know is I was ridiculously busy trying to make my job successful with a company that wasn’t necessarily interested in the professional development of their employees. It was all about the bottom line and they made that painfully clear.

It’s a really long story that started on December 9th, 2014. It all started with a conversation I had with a hiring manager about becoming a site supervisor for a particular post. I accepted the job and a year and half later I was never made site supervisor because the company I was with knew damn, good and well the client would never pay for a site supervisor. Long story short I told my company to shove it and I moved on.

It, in all honesty, was a terrifying decision for me to make to leave. I loved the post I had been put on, loved working with the people there, understood the job, developed the training manual, and felt I had an all around knack for the work I was doing. At the risk of sounding unbelievably arrogant, it was just easy for me. I even grew to tolerate my employer, even though I was strung along and never actually given the site supervisor job I was promised December 9th, 2014. I could have stayed at the post and made it my career. But all good things come to end-especially when you’re ignored and and dismissed for extremely shallow reasons (Namely: I knew what I was doing with the client and it challenged the ego of my superiors).

So I took a deep breath and left. I was terrified it wasn’t going to work- that I’d be putting my family in financial trouble. I had another job pretty much instantaneously, but it was scary. The pay wasn’t as good and hours weren’t guaranteed, oh and to top it my employer didn’t ask me to stay (message received)- but in less than a week of trepidation, I moved on.

My superior, if you could call her that, was really good at making me feel insignificant simply because I haven’t been able to pay for schooling yet. (Working on that whole school thing currently and doing well saving up.) Seriously, for the last 4 months I’ve been horribly depressed because of this chick but this morning I woke up feeling good that it was all gone.

I’m looking forward to working with my new company. I seemed to have joined at an excellent time. The company is expanding and hours are available. But what really gave me an extra boost was being offered a job from another security company while standing in uniform with my new company. I kid you not- on post, new company, and offered an immediate supervisor position with another company. It made me realize I’m not worthless just because I don’t have the education. Yeah, I have to work harder, but I’ve got the drive now to do so. In this nightmare of the last year and half of being strung along, my confidence grew and I’ve developed essential skills to help me advance. I’m excited for the direction I’m heading in and really love who I’m becoming.

And in the words of Madonna-

You know you never really knew how much your selfish bullshit cost me
Or fuck you!





So This is 30

So this is 30. It’s different than my 20’s there’s no two ways about it. I’ve hit 30 and all ambition died.

I’m not certain what’s happened. I’ve woke up, perhaps, and realized life absolutely never ends up the way you planned. Life didn’t care that I wanted to be a writer. It didn’t care that I wanted to hold a history degree and it certainly didn’t care that I wanted to keep the people I loved the most in my life.

Instead it dealt me a hand in poverty, walked away and said, “Good luck, bitch.” Then for the hell of it, it back handed me into a society that can’t see past its own nose with a side order of double standards.

I work full time but I’m still poverty stricken. Society tells me to get a second job. Well I’ve spent 2 years trying to get a second job- over 100 applications and resumes out and still no second job. So then society tells me, “If you don’t like it get an education and get a better job.” It’s easy to quack when you aren’t the hungry duck in the pond.

The cost of higher education has risen 538% since 1985. In 2014-2015 the average cost of college was $31,231 a year. With an income of roughly $23,000 for a household of 4 college is quickly put in the impossible bucket. Beyond this the unemployment rate of college grads is 7.2% and the underemployment rate is 14.9%. So how exactly is one supposed to do better in a society like this?

To add on to the drowning cesspool that is American poverty the idea of raising the minimum wage from $7.25 an hour to $15 an hour is outrageous to the powers that be. This despite the fact $15 an hour is $6.72 below what minimum wage would be had it kept up with inflation.

But even with these facts society tells me I better not seek food and medical help because then I’m just looking for a handout. Because of this 49.1 million Americans deal with “food insecurity”, as the government calls it. I guess that sounds better than saying 49.1 million Americans are hungry. And so, while working full time and still living in poverty, I grow a garden, which by the way is one of the most expensive things you can do. Are my efforts enough? Hardly. I’m still despised and kept pinned down in the poverty pool.

And so this is 30.

I’ve spent 30 years living and working in this country being told about the myth of the American dream; being told hard work leads to success. No it doesn’t. I bust my ass day in and day out only to receive the middle finger because the system has ensure I can never dig my way out of poverty and by the way here’s a side order of shame because you can’t get out of the death grip of American double standards.

There is no dream. It died when we put a financial value on human lives.

This is 30 and as far as I can tell this will be 60 and 90.

I just hope I die before then.

The Best Day Ever

For twenty years I’ve dreamed of meeting Kate Mulgrew. If you don’t know who she is we can’t be friend in real life.


And then the opportunity. But there’s a back story here we have to get into first.

trek-yourself-l2I was a born Trekkie. Kirk, Spock, Picard-oh yes. Loved them. (I’ll admit it now, I got a little verklempt when Leonard Nimoy passed away. Ok, I cried like a little bitch.) I watched the original series, the movies, Star Trek: The Next Generation, took a break from 1993 to 1995 because OMG DS9 sucked. Of course I watched Star Trek Generations in 1994 and then it happened- Star Trek: Voyager premiered in 1995 and there in the captain’s chair was the woman I was gonna marry. I was certain of it.

I really didn’t give a flying crap Captain Kathryn Janeway was thirty years older than me-at ten years old I KNEW she was gonna be mine.


Puberty hit and I was too busy worried about the zits, the awkwardness of how big my feet were and that I was perpetually surrounded by stupid people, namely adults. The crush never faded but like I was gonna tell anyone I watched Star Trek. I was lanky and awkward as it was. No one needed to know I was a lame nerd too.

Time passed, did the high school thing, joined the army, became a chef and eventually married my wife. Obviously not Kate Mulgrew but a MILF nonetheless.

My wife indulged me and thankfully liked Star Trek too. We watched the entire series of Star Trek: Voyager all over again and I of course fell in love with Kate Mulgrew again. (We’ll add Jeri Ryan to that list too.)

And then the opportunity to meet her happened.

I purchased those tickets faster than you could blink.

We headed to Chicago and hit Venue SIX10 and I was totally enthralled in the interview. The interviewer could have acted like she was happy to be there but I’ll bitch about that on my Twitter feed. Anyway, the little boy in me was SQUEEING the entire time.

I had just had the best day of my life with my little family: We were celebrating my step-daughter’s birthday, my birthday, ah hell, the fifth “I Love You” anniversary of my wife and I-I got to meet a long time Twitter friend, had Bang Bang Shrimp from Bonefish and was topping it off by being in the same room at my boyhood crush. I could have died that evening the happiest man on earth-seriously.

And then we got to meet her.


We stood in line, right behind a security officer (who I was soooooooooooo jealous of) and then it happened. This Janet Reno looking chick motioned for my little family to come and get our books signed. I waited patiently (sort of) for Ms. Mulgrew’s friend to fuck off and then I heard her say: “We’ll meet for drinks. I’ll grab a cab.”

This whole daddy thing kicked in, thanks honey, and I immediately thought: I don’t think so, young lady. I’ll drive you. You’re not riding in cab. And with in a matter of seconds this whole weird spectrum of emotions happened. I realized she was old enough to be my mother, with Tina Turner’s legs, and even though she’s totally shorter than me she could totally kill me. Then let’s throw in the fact she’s Irish and even though I fell out of a leprechaun’s butt too, we all know damn well an Irish woman rules the roost. But gawd she’s hot…

And then it was our turn. A foot of table separated me from my boyhood crush…

Now, I’ve met BB King, partied with his brother, am friends with his godson, have walked away from a hostage situation laughing but when it came to Kate Mulgrew I completely Tina Belchered it.


Verklempt doesn’t even cover it.

The conversion disorder kicked in: I lost all ability to speak, almost cried and just folded into myself as she said my name (she actually pronounced it right!), signed my book and totally skipped trying to pronounce my step-daughter’s name, Caila, pronouced Kayla, winked at my wife and like an idiot I shook her hand. Caila got a beautiful smile and I shook her hand. WHO DOES THAT!?!


I was kind of surprised the Janet Reno chick didn’t tackle me but to hell with it.

We took off and hitting the wonderfully cool air of the Windy City I was able to reflect on the fact that I Tina Belchered it.


One day I’ll redeem myself but there’s nothing that can top the best. day. ever.

Pursuit of Money

My new job has been rather all consuming. Throughout the past month I’ve spent 8 hours a day training, studying and getting certified and honestly I’m tired of it. I’m not saying I have a bad job but I know from my head to my toes this isn’t what life is supposed to be.

On my way to work the other morning I was thinking about the American way of life and our perpetual pursuit of money. The pursuit of money certainly isn’t the pursuit of happiness.

Throughout my shift I watch grain trucks bring their loads in and scramble away to get another one. The majority of these guys coming in and out are just assholes. Why? Because their lives revolve around money.


Our society is messed up. We live to work for money. Why? Partly because we’re too stupid to realize we’re paying for free natural resources and partly because we’re too afraid to fight back against a system that’s made it this way.

What would happen if money wasn’t such a forceful factor in our lives? I don’t have to guess. I know from the history of Native Americans what life would be like without money.

There would be no poverty or hunger as human survival would be a game everyone was engaged in. The crime rate would go down and there’d be no jails because of the pressure of tribal justice AND there would be no class warfare. Homelessness would not exist and continual education would be a rule rather than a privilege, And happiness.O! Happiness would be abundant because we’d never have to worry about our needs being met because everyone would work toward tribal success.

We non-Native Americans are a stupid lot indeed because we have allowed and created a way of life that is counter to human survival.

When you can’t figure out why you aren’t happy with all the shiny aspects of the American way of life surrounding your daily life just remember: You are paying to live on this planet. And you’re a member of the only species in the world that does.


Well, this post is gonna take some getting used to.

My new post involves a lot of administrative work and basically being a secretary answering the phones and what not. I’m not really a fan of it. I keep trying to remind myself that I’m helping to protect my states little corner of the national food supply but it’s a tough sell.

This past week has been really emotional: The GI doctor took me off all my medications because he thinks perhaps the meds are masking the issue and then I found out my thyroid is slowing down. And with EMT training being canceled I’m feeling just a little defeated. I can’t decide what I’m more upset with: Living in more, constant pain or not getting to go to school this semester. I’m all the way around cranky about it.

I keep trying to remind myself that I’m working FULL TIME in a field I absolutely love and still have many opportunities to get to where I want to be. But as  my cousin can attest, it’s hard to be optimistic all the time.

There are positives coming out of this: This company is actually training me. I’m getting at least three weeks worth of training at this new post unlike the other company. I literally had three hours class room time, so they lied to the state of Illinois and told them I had twenty hours of training, and was given only about a fifteen minute introduction to every post I secured. And for some crazy reason I’m finding that I am more willing to make time to read after work. I’ve not been relaxed enough to do that in a long time.

Now to make some more time for writing…

Anyway, I’m looking for another EMT course to train in and hope to be doing that this summer and moving on in my company to an EMS post.

Lessons in patience are never fun.



I finished training for my new security job yesterday and honestly it was nice to actually GET training. Seriously, the first company I worked for was a joke. There was no training. I had to figure everything out for myself- BUT it gave me the foot in the door to the security industry I needed. That’s about all the positive I can give that company.

So I’ve had actual training now and the crazy part is I wouldn’t mind getting even more.

It’s nice actually doing what I enjoy for a living. How many get to say that?


New Year Start

Of course it snows!

It’s been a mild winter and now that I have to drive an hour and half for training at my new job tomorrow it snows and the temperature bottoms out. Got to love Illinois. But if you don’t like the weather in Illinois wait a minute.

I’m excited and nervous all at the same time about starting this new job. I’m hoping that this company won’t end up as unprofessional as the last company. Well, more like, I hope the operations manager is more professional than the last operations manager.

I’ll of course let you know how things go.

Ah crap I forgot to buy my books today for school! Gonna have to put that on the to do list for…no idea when my next day off will be. I told you I was going to EMT school right? Who the hell knows. Going to EMT school!

Moving on!

Some sad news on the home front.

The kid’s kitty passed away in my arms on January 1st. Not the best way to start the new year. I felt so bad. We were on our way to the vet when he passed and damn it was hard. I just hope the little guy knew he was loved.




I Quit

I quit.

When your boss lies it’s totally acceptable to tell them to fuck off and quit. Especially after you catch him lying THREE times, red handed.

So taking a leap of faith I quit and wouldn’t ya know the very next day I got called for an interview with another security company and was offered the job half way through the interview. 😀 I begin training next Tuesday. Great way to start out the new year.

Beyond that-

Finally had the scopes that Dr. Fuck-around put off. (I went to another doctor) They came back clear but they couldn’t get into my small intestine. I’ve no idea what the next step is. The new doctor called for the MRI scans I had done in the summer and hopefully he’ll be able to figure something out. At least this guy seems a little more devoted to figure out what’s wrong.

Moving on!